


I Don't Even try to Explain, I Just hold on Tight

by stardustedknuckles



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Pre-Relationship, the one where yasha finds beau asleep on her books and does something about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:55:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustedknuckles/pseuds/stardustedknuckles
Summary: Yasha goes looking for Beau and finds her asleep in the library. They've not talked about the letter and that's alright, but the simple fact that she's already trusted Beau with it makes her able to do some things she maybe would have been too uncertain to try before.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 16
Kudos: 257





	I Don't Even try to Explain, I Just hold on Tight

**Author's Note:**

> I love them.

Yasha couldn't sleep.

It wasn't that she was necessarily uncomfortable - the mat was a thoughtful choice and one that made her smile to consider. With the lights dimmed, she could see the flowers slowly rustling in a magic breeze, and she felt sheltered enough.

Just…she'd gotten used to the pile they tended to form in the dome, or Jester and Beau's snoring when they bought out seven rooms and then piled the three of them in one. It was so _still._

After an hour of staring at the ceiling, Yasha got to her feet and padded barefoot out the door.

She found Beau's room easily and hesitated at the outside of it. It was a good guess that Beau would still be awake, but it was still just a guess. She thought for a moment, then called softly. "Mittens?"

A soft "mrrp" came from behind her, and she turned as a spectral amber cat approached and bumped its head against her calf, purring happily when she leaned down to scratch its ears. "Hi, friend," she said. "Can you go into Beau's room and let me know if she's asleep?"

Mittens rubbed the side of his face roughly against Yasha's fingers and then leaped into nothingness without a sound. It was a little disconcerting, Yasha thought. It seemed like the kind of thing that should have a sound. The whole tower was quiet.

A gentle head butted against her leg, and Yasha glanced down in surprise. "You're a fast worker, Mittens."

Mittens _mrowed_ softly and allowed Yasha to pet him for a moment longer before he shook himself and wandered away.

"Wait," Yasha called softly. "Was she in there?" She caught a sharp flick from Mittens's tail before he disappeared entirely. She stood there for a moment, unsure what to make of it. Finally, she blew out a breath and pushed on the door, chiding herself for being such a baby.

She was relieved to see that there was dim light at the bottom of the door that led to Beau's bedroom. She knocked twice, softly, and with a burst of reckless confidence slipped inside.

The bed was still smooth where Beau had pulled the sheets taut before leaving, and her staff leaned against the wall next to her bed. A quick glance showed that she was not at her desk, nor in the closet. The tension that had risen as she'd let herself in receded with a kind of dull ache that Yasha was unsurprised to find contained no small amount of disappointment. She very much still wanted to find Beau, and so Yasha eased the door closed again and made her way out to the hall. She had an idea where to look next.

Yasha found her in the library, facedown in an open book and fast asleep. The desk was a master course in organized chaos; Beau's journals and various tomes lay scattered across every inch of its surface, overlapping and spilling into one another in a kind of puzzle that made Yasha dizzy to behold. Did she know how amazing she was, to be able to hold all that in her mind and draw the facts from among the irrelevant information - and then draw conclusions from it? 

Remembering Beau's excited rants made her smile. There had been a while there where Yasha worried that maybe she wouldn't get to see more of the confident woman Beau had flourished into while she was away - that visiting her home had stripped her of something important, and it would all be undone.

Watching her asleep in the careless sprawl of the exhausted, Yasha felt something tug inside of her at the mere contemplation of anything taking even a shade of Beau's vibrance away. Beauregard Lionett was so bright that it sometimes hurt Yasha to look directly at her.

But Yasha had already made peace with the fact that at some point, she had become unable to look away lest she miss a moment of it.

She placed her palm flat on Beau's back and shook her gently. "Hey." She kept her voice soft. "Beau, wake up." Afraid to startle her and keenly aware that she might have to block a wild blow, Yasha reached for the hand poised over Beau's fallen pen like a shield and cupped it in her own. Beau stirred under Yasha's hand and blinked groggily with a confused "mmmnh? "

"It's me," Yasha said. Beau's head turned just a little, blue eyes taking her in fuzzily before a sleepy smile eased along her mouth with a deep inhale.

"Hey, Yash. 'Tcha doin'?"

Her words were so slurred with sleep that Yasha suspected she wasn't fully conscious. There was a kind of youth to the whole encounter that made Yasha ache unexpectedly with affection. "You fell asleep in the library," she whispered conspiratorially. Beau made an acknowledging "hmm" noise and didn't move. Yasha smiled and rubbed the hand on her back between her shoulders. "Come on. Let's get you to bed."

Beau sat up at this, blearily attentive. She wiped the corner of her mouth where it had stuck to a page just a little, then groaned as she made to stand and her back gave a protest. "Fuck, what time is it?"

Yasha helped her to her feet and caught her weight when it shifted her direction with a huge yawn. "About an hour since everyone split off," she answered, keenly aware of Beau's sleep-warm skin pressed against her own bare arms.

Beau steadied herself but didn't step away. There was an unbelievably endearing red imprint across her cheek from the edge of the book she had been lying on. "Couldn't sleep?"

Yasha quieted the urge to reach out and touch it and shook her head. "Too quiet for me," she confessed. "I came to see if you'd let me sleep on your floor and you weren't there, so I went looking."

"Carry me up and you can share the bed," Beau mumbled, leaning into Yasha again.

"You strike a hard bargain," Yasha teased, and Beau pressed her smile into Yasha's shoulder as Yasha reached down to gather her legs and lift her up. "Tell you what," she continued as she made her way to the door, "how about I waive the five gold fee this time, as a thanks." Beau giggled just a little into Yasha's collarbone, and she thought she might burst with it.

"Deal," said Beau. She was quiet for the few minutes it took Yasha to walk them to the center of the tower, and when she stopped in preparation to float up, she spoke up again. "Hey Yash?" Her voice sounded just slightly uncertain.

Yasha glanced down at her in mild concern. "What is it?" Part of her dreaded that Beau had woken up enough to be embarrassed, but she was prepared to set her down if she asked. 

Beau's eyes wandered across her face for a moment longer, taking her in with an open honesty that Yasha knw could only come from sleep's effects. "Will you use your wings?"

Relief flooded Yasha's smile. Gods, she would do anything when those big blue eyes were on the other end of the request. "Of course." Beau's face cleared and she wiggled a little in excitement as Yasha's wings unfurled, glowing gently as they spread out and stretched before giving a whoosh and carrying them up, up through the iris Yasha had left open on the way to the library. It closed behind them with a simultaneous "zu," and then Yasha alighted on the surface and shook the wings once for Beau's benefit before dismissing them.

Beau stretched and snuggled closer. "Never get tired of that."

Yasha wished she had a third hand to move that one rogue strand of Beau's hair out of her eyes, but she settled instead for nudging open the first of Beau's doors with her foot. "I don't think I will either," she said. "Carrying you," she clarified, "but the wings too." Heat was crawling up her face, and she was suddenly grateful for the near-dark.

Beau was quiet as Yasha carried her fully into her room and pushed the door closed behind her. It was lighter in here, and with Beau in her arms she didn't feel as much of an intruder as she looked around. "Thinking of adding anything?" she asked.

Beau squirmed a little in her arms. "Haven't thought too much about it. Still kinda new, having a space that's just mine again." She slipped reluctantly from Yasha's arms and onto the bed.

"I know what you mean." Yasha hesitated, then pointed to Beau's boots. "May I?"

Beau blinked, but gathered herself quickly. "Of course, uh…go for it." She sneaked a peek at Yasha's own feet. "Hey, you're barefoot."

Yasha smiled as she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Beau's foot in her lap. "I was doing my best to get comfortable," she said, pulling the laces free and working them loose section by section. She took her time, enjoying the slide and tug as the boot gave under her touches.

Beau's eyes were fixed on her fingers, no longer looking particularly tired. She looked, Yasha thought, like if she glanced away it all might disappear. It was not an unfamiliar look.

"I read your letter," Beau said quietly without looking up.

Yasha's hands kept working, and the little shower of sparks that burst behind her ribs seemed both somehow sharper and less of an ache than she had anticipated. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Yasha saw Beau's hand twitch away from the edge of the bed like she wanted to reach out but couldn't quite bring herself to do it. "I don't have anything to add right now," she said. "I just wanted you to know. You put a lot into it and I don't want, like. You to be kept up wondering if I did or if I liked it, you know."

Yasha looked up at her now, expecting Beau to be blushing. But she wasn't, really. Her gaze was steady and the only expression Yasha could confidently make out from her was the sincerity that echoed her words. The boots were off, but Yasha let her hand linger on Beau's calf as she smiled gently. "I do know, Beau."

Now Beau did blush a little as she looked down towards Yasha's shoulder. "I figured," she said, "but it was worth making sure."

"That's what I like about you," Yasha said softly.

Beau waved her away a little, embarrassed. "Nothing special about checking in." She caught Yasha's look and her embarrassment turned into a slow smile of confusion. "What?"

"Oh, nothing really," Yasha replied. She set Beau's boots down together at the foot of the bed. "Just that I know how hard it is for you, for both of us to say things out loud, and you-" she gestured awkwardly to Beau. "You're trying anyway and you think nothing of it." She stood and reached out with hesitant fingers to touch Beau's chin and lift her head just a little, something like joy surging in her when Beau came willingly and watched her with open trust. "And you bring it out of me too," she said softly. She curled her hand to brush a thumb over Beau's cheekbone just once, and then let go before she could accidentally ask too much. Even sleepy Beau had her limits.

Beau's expression was hard to read but tender in the lights as she looked away again. "Is that what safe means for you?" Yasha was still for a moment, unsure how to respond. Beau took the opportunity to elaborate. "Feeling able to say stuff out loud?" She pulled back the sheets of her bed and started to get herself comfortable without waiting for a response, and it was the fact that Yasha knew it was okay not to answer that encouraged her to give one.

It came a few moments later, as she settled next to Beau under the covers. "I think that's certainly a part of it." Side by side, they stared together up at the curtain covering the mirror. She expected at any moment to feel some rush of nerves, some attempt to make sense of the fact that she was here in Beau's bed, but all she felt was contentment. Stillness. "But there's much more to it than I…I'm better at writing these things down. But even that was part of it, that I could."

Beau looked over at her, and Yasha kept her eyes up as she felt Beau searching her face quietly. When Beau's hesitant fingers finally alighted on the very top of her jaw, she leaned in and turned her gaze to find Beau looking breathless and uncertain. "Is this okay?"

Yasha nuzzled against her touch in response - not quite a kiss to her palm, but something intentionally reminiscent - and brought her hand up to cover Beau's and hold it there. "I still want to talk," she murmured. "When you're ready. But this is…" she huffed a little disbelieving laugh. "I want this, yes." Beau still looked slightly hesitant, so Yasha took a chance and extended her arm and nodded when Beau looked from it to her face in confirmation.

Beau's eyes were heavy as a slow, shy grin made its way across her mouth. She pulled herself closer to Yasha and rested her head on her shoulder, legs coming up to tangle with slightly more confidence as she exhaled with a small and contented shiver. Yasha pressed her cheek against Beau's hair and breathed deeply, something slotting into place inside of her. Beau nestled in with a small sound of contentment that set something alight in Yasha, and heard the smile in Beau's sleepy voice when she teased, "do I smell good?"

"Like a very good bug," Yasha agreed.

Beau huffed. "M'the best bug." She paused. "Or something."

Yasha had to work to keep her responding laugh from giving away too much of the lightness she was feeling inside of her, but she couldn't resist pressing her lips to Beau's head for just a moment before settling in for sleep.

She took just a moment, as the lights dimmed in magical response to their thoughts, to sit with the fact of Beau here in her arms. She probed carefully for guilt, checked for the creeping shadow of doubt, but the only uncertainty she found was of whether or not she would ever be able to let go of Beau now that she had her here.

The rest, she was a little awed to find, was just peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Savage Garden, "I Want You."
> 
> Oh, I want you, I don't know if I need you but  
> Oh, I'm dying to find out


End file.
